When something challenging happens, like things not going to plan or somebody crossing your boundaries, how do you react?

If you get upset, reacting emotionally, you're not alone. Many of us do, and that usually creates even more havoc than the issue itself. But how can you respond otherwise?

Nonviolent communication (NVC) framework that I draw on later in this article helps us with just that - explore what happens when we get emotionally reactive and how we can defuse the situation, regain our composure and communicate more effectively.

Emotional reactivity is unconscious, like a trance, an instinctual, conditioned response. What we want instead is to become aware and respond to the situation consciously.

I can remember many times when I got upset and then carried that energy into my next moment, next activity, next person I'd meet, spreading bad vibes I didn't intend. I was totally absorbed in the negative state, often fueling and perpetuating it with more thoughts.

Funnily though, what I noticed is that the longer I'd stay in such a state, the more unpleasant experiences I'd draw to myself…like stubbing my toe, breaking a favourite tea cup, a stranger being rude to me, and the like…

Not that these little mishaps couldn't happen otherwise, but when there are so many and so intricately timed, they no longer seem like a coincidence.

A string of these unpleasant mishaps was often the tool to 'wake me up' out of my trance of emotional reactivity.

Do you recall such a moment from your life? That sudden spark of awareness, as if you're looking at yourself from the outside, seeing your reactive state, and understanding that you're doing it to yourself. That what you feel and think is ultimately your choice, and you've been choosing poorly.

Now this awareness may not instantly give you a sense that you're in control of how you feel. But you will no longer be fully absorbed by the emotional upset, you will have a choice.

A choice to either stay in your negative energy, continue being upset, or choose to do something different, something more constructive.

In the latter case, you could choose to simply pause, delay your reaction, give yourself a time out. That's what the "take a breath, and count to 10" advice is about.

Then you could look at the feeling of being upset and try to understand it:

• What specifically are you upset about?
• What exactly are you feeling?
• And why do you think you are feeling this way?

According to Marshall B. Rosenberg, developer of nonviolent communication (or NVC), whenever we're feeling emotionally upset it's because some of our needs aren't being met.

Instead of simmering in your upset, you can use your mental energy to identify what those needs are. Once you are clear on your needs, you can communicate them clearly. And once you express your needs clearly, in the framework of non violent communication, with compassion and without putting blame on the other person, you stand a much better chance of a constructive response.

Because if the other person doesn't know your needs, how can you expect they meet them?

Below I've outlined a 4-step framework to clarify your emotions and communicate consciously, taken from nonviolent communication developed by psychologist Marshall B. Rosenberg. [1]

To make this more applicable, think of a recent time you felt upset in an interaction with another person — was it a conflict with your partner, your boss, or maybe a colleague? See how the four steps below could apply to your situation.

1. Observation vs. Interpretation
2. Identifying your feelings
3. Identifying and stating your needs clearly
4. Making a request, not a demand

1. Observation vs. Interpretation

When you find yourself reacting emotionally, first describe to yourself the event that upset you. Importantly, stick to the facts, or observations, not your interpretations. For example, instead of saying "I am being taken for granted at work" you might say "I have been doing overtime every day this week to cover for a sick colleague and haven't been asked if I needed help nor received a thank you for the extra work." It's key to distinguish between the facts of the situation and your interpretations. This will give you more clarity and flexibility to respond.

2. Identifying your feelings

Ask yourself "What am I feeling about this situation?"

Two things are important to note here:

• Use words that express a real feeling or a sensation. For example "I feel sad" or "I feel angry" are expressions of emotions, whereas "I feel like she doesn't like me" is an opinion, not a feeling. 
  A good rule of thumb is that whenever you follow "I feel…" by "that/like/as if" you're not actually in touch with your feelings but are focused on your opinion about a situation (e.g. "I feel like you don't value me" / "I feel that I don't receive enough acknowledgment for my work" / "I feel as if nothing I do is ever enough").

• Use words that indicate that you own your emotions, not that they are under somebody else's control which is ultimately disempowering. For example, saying that you feel "exploited, unsupported, unseen, taken for granted", etc - you can only feel those things by another person being involved. Which means you're giving power over your emotions to somebody outside of yourself.
  The key here is to zone in on *your* feelings and realise that you are responsible for how you feel. If you blame the other person for how you feel, you're disempowering yourself (although obvious cases of abuse are a separate matter which we aren't addressing here).

Because words have great power, it's wise to use them in an empowering way, and one way to do that is to own what you feel.

3. Identifying and stating your needs clearly.

You wouldn't get upset if all your needs were met. So it's essential to ask yourself, what need was unmet in this situation? Identify the need as specifically as possible. And yes, you may need to ask yourself a few questions to get there.

For example, if you say "I need to feel valued at work." ask yourself why. You may respond "I feel like what I do doesn't matter, I need to feel that my work matters, and that I matter." Why? "I need to understand the value I bring." Now this is a much more specifically expressed need.

Making it granular in this way gives you a better chance of taking action on it. If it was vague and general like "I need to feel valued" it's harder to do something about it.

4. Making a request, not a demand.

People are generally resistant to fulfilling demands, but happy to fulfil a request. The key difference is in the language you use and the energy you bring to the question (which is stemming from the clarity on your emotions). It's also key to make the request or the ask specific, as vague unspecific ones are likely to be perceived as demands.

Following the above example, instead of demanding "I want to be appreciated at work" you could say "I need to understand the value I bring with my work and receiving regular constructive feedback would help me in that." and then ask the relevant person "Would you be willing to provide me that feedback on a regular basis, at intervals we would both agree on?"

NVC has worked in a number of contexts, from interpersonal, family relationships, in the workplace, to conflicts in war zones. I encourage you to apply this framework in your own emotionally charged situations, with or without the other party present. Even clarifying your emotions and unmet needs to yourself alone can give you a great sense of empowerment, and ideas of how to get those needs met.

Through practicing this, you will grow your emotional intelligence, which is worth investing in since higher emotional intelligence is associated with many positive outcomes, including stronger relationships, professional success, and personal wellbeing due to better coping with stress.[2]

Now let me know, is this the way you already communicate? Or does this strategy present new options for you to consider?

If you found this article useful, please share which of the four points you're most interested in applying!

Wishing you emotional wellness and fruitful conversations,

References:

1. Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD: Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life, 3rd Edition.
2. Fteiha, Mohamed, and Narmeen Awwad. “Emotional Intelligence and Its Relationship with Stress Coping Style.” Health Psychology Open, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 6 Nov. 2020, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7656878/.